Voice Speaking

Forgiveness...my ass

2008-10-08T00:36:00.001-07:00

Scratch the last blog I wrote.

Remembered why I don't forgive people.

Forgiveness

2008-10-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

This is a feeling I hope stays for awhile.

Today, I watched an episode of My Name is Earl that my parents had recorded. The episode was about Earl and Randy's mom having an affair with their neighbor when they were younger. After all those years, Earl convinced his mom to tell his dad, who then freaked out. After seeking revenge the entire episode, his dad finally broke down and cried. Earl took his dad back home, who then forgave the person who once cheated on him, and everything was back to how it should be. Earl then explained the power of forgiveness, and how good it feels to just be able to forgive someone, and the episode ended.
After watching this episode, it made me realize that perhaps this is what I need. I have been holding grudges for weeks, for months, some for years. As much as I want to tell those people that I forgive them, is it worth it? What's forgiveness if those people now have a second chance of hurting me? Or is that what forgiveness is all about, having the power to tell someone things are okay when you yourself are scared that there are still chances that everything might not be okay in the future? For some reason, I haven't felt this clear in a very long time. Some may think that forgiving people can be a mistake especially if they've made mistakes more than once, but haven't we been taught that people make mistakes? I think I'm finally willing to let things go, to give some people second chances and to always give a first chance to newcomers.

Its Been Awhile

2008-09-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog, so here's an update in short:

I miss someone who completely cut me off so their boyfriend won't get mad and we'll probably never talk again.
I miss someone who hurt me a ton in the past, and its still not fading like I'd hope.
Gained a few new friends, but have realized the potency of a few I really care about.
Still single.
The band is doing amazing. Got a few shows at Club Retro, got paid, got an album cover, and gonna finish recording with Brando in the near future.

I hate missing people, that will always be my downfall. There are those who I can talk to about it, but that may make things a bit interesting. However there are a few that I can't, and will miss them for a long, long time.

End of Summer

2008-08-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

What a bitter sweet summer it was. Spent the first half stressed, trying to fix everything, and spent the second half having too much fun with the people I care about most. I must thank those who made my summer worth while, it was rough in the beginning, but totally got better. School starts tomorrow, I shall keep my fingers crossed for a good semester, I sure as hell need one.

Arbuckle in the later hours...

2008-07-27T02:47:00.000-07:00

So last night, there was a standoff between a redneck who had a hostage and the cops were trying to negotiate with him at gun point...right in front of my house. I heard voices at 3 in the morning and thought I was going crazy, then I looked outside and got a phone call from my friend saying be careful. A couple weeks ago, there were shootings in College City, an even smaller town 3 miles away. Stores are getting robbed, shootings are occurring, the crime rate is going up in this area. Looks like the confinement the people feel in this area is finally taking its toll, and the people are not only getting sick of being here, but getting sick of each other.

This story's old, but it goes on and on until we disappear

2008-07-22T02:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 21st of July. On that day, two years ago, I lost a dear friend. A car accident took Lauren Schaad's life, and the world of anyone who knew her hasn't been the same since. Time somehow heals pains we think will never fade. Our friends can pull us through even the darkest of times. Somehow, someway, we as humans manage this roller coaster we call life. However, death never gets better. It never heals, it never goes away, and some of us never get over it. Something this bad, this permanent, haunts me. As if waking up from a dream to one that was worse than the previous dream you had. I don't know how to explain the feeling I got today, but its the same way I feel when a gust of wind blows while I'm staring at Lauren's headstone, or when I'm driving on County Line Road and I see Lauren's crash site in my rear view mirror. Its a reminder, that all the problems I have are suddenly not as bad as I thought they were, that this is one issue I'll have to accept sooner or later.
However, thanks to the voice inside my head, I had an epiphany that may make me more ok than I ever thought I could be. Lauren has come to me in many dreams, I think about her everyday, and I make it known that I have not forgotten about her. She's still in my heart, almost as if she's still by my side. As long as I keep Lauren within my heart, Lauren will never die.

Listen to the voice inside your head...

2008-07-14T01:08:00.000-07:00

So the passed week has totally been tough. Certain things I just couldn't get off my mind, I was fighting with people, it was to the point to where I'd lay in bed at night and a random flashback would appear and I'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach and be wide awake once again. I thought it was going to take forever for me to feel ok.
However, I have felt the same many times in my life, and I knew all it would take is one thing to happen. The problem is I never know what that thing is, but when it comes, I know it, and suddenly, everything seems ok.
This time, it wasn't just one thing, it was a lot of things, it was a lot of people who helped me out of this funk. I was really sad because of problems with a couple of people, but my friends helped me realized that there are a ton more who are still right by my side. Even though some people may come and go, the best of ones have never left my side, and still continue to be there for me through thick and thin. This slow realization was what really helped me, and even though nothing is solved, I feel like everything is gonna be ok.
There is one person I feel the need to thank. I call her the voice inside my head, I also kinda named my blog after her haha. Its a running joke we have because she's the person I go to when I mostly need help with decisions, and that I should listen to her more often (haha its actually the truth). Anyways, there have been a few times where I wanted to cave in to my situation and she pulled me back up to my feet. I have all my friends that I hang out with everyday, talk to all the time, my best friends, but this girl talks to me when I'm online late at night, and does an amazing job at making me feel like I'm not alone, which is sometimes what I really need...to feel like I'm not alone. She's honest, definitely trustworthy, and a whole lot of fun to talk to. She has been an amazing addition to my life, and I hope everyone has someone like her. I'm not saying my other friends aren't worthy of a blog entry, but I just wanted to do this to let her know that she is definitely up there with the people I care about most, and to thank her for these amazing few months of friendship we've shared so far. So, thank you to the voice inside my head, this one's for you.

Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share

2008-07-07T03:14:00.000-07:00

So the last week has really been a ton of fun. I've been spending time with the people I love, spending time with people I hardly see, and even meeting new people along the way. However, my empty wallet is a constant reminder that I need a job (as if my friends and family weren't enough), and my pessimistic approach towards this upcoming semester reminds me of my unsure future. As much fun as I'm having, I feel like my life is slowly going to waste. I do need a job, but the 30 minute drive to and from the town I'm gonna have to work in is a tad discouraging, so I'm being picky in finding a job, but losing money at the same time. And my motivation for school is almost entirely depleted. Without knowing exactly what I wanna do, its putting my future on hold. Unfortunately, you can't exactly do that, because tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not. I really want to do something with music or photography, but have no idea about how to pursue either. Still have my fingers crossed for rock star...

And somehow, I've become extremely talented in making the people I care about angry, and there's still quite a few people I miss. However, the fact that it is 3:21 AM has led me to my plan for "tonight"...sleep on it.

So the plan worked, with a little help from Lauren...

2008-06-27T02:50:00.000-07:00

So I didn't completely stick to the whole "shutting out the world" thing. I didn't put any effort in trying to talk to people, but if someone called me, I answered, or if someone wrote me, I replied. And today was actually ok. Watched two Harry Potter movies and had a friend come over to watch them with me who was making me life from the time she got into the car. I also spent some time with my mom. I wouldn't say my head is clear, but I'm definitely not as bad as I was last night.

One thing that helped was a dream I had. I had another dream about Lauren, and we were just running together, and talking. I don't know if it was a sign, us running together. Like maybe we were just running and leaving the world behind, our problems, everything. All I know is, she comforted me once again. Nowadays, I only have dreams about her when I'm a mess, and she helps me, makes me feel safe, and comforted. If guardian angels exist, I'd believe she is mine. So thank you Lauren for comforting me in dark times once again. You never fail to amaze me, even though you have passed, and I still miss you.

The beauty of isolation

2008-06-26T03:02:00.000-07:00

So today has been a really rough day.

A person I used to call a best friend has taken 3 girls from me WHILE knowing I had crushes on them. Today, I found out that he tried to take away a girl I liked for 4 years. I liked this girl awhile ago, but I liked her for 4 years, and I just found this out...it still hurt pretty bad.

Also, a girl from Maryland whom I've talked to everyday for over 5 months straight hasn't talked to me for the passed couple of days. Well, we talked for a couple minutes a few days ago, just long enough for me to say "You didn't call me back", then she said that things were really rough and I asked her why and all that stuff, and then I said "Its just weird that we talk for over 5 months straight and suddenly we miss a couple of days" and she said "I guess". Anyways, tonight she called and she sounded miserable so I said, "You don't sound too happy, why?" and she said "I told you, but you were probably weren't listening since you were so butthurt about us breaking the 5 month streak." Instantly hurt me/pissed me off, so there was silence and I said "So is there anything I can do?" and she said, "You're in California." So I said, "You obviously are mad at me about something, so I'll let you go," and she said "Bye"

One thing I absolutely hate...never push me away. Tell me you don't wanna talk, or anything around there and I'll understand, but don't treat me like shit just because you're not doing so well. I'm here to help, I'm a good friend, if you push me away, you may just ruin that.

So, all this amongst the other normal troubles, depending on how I feel in the morning, I may shut out the world. I don't know why yet, maybe its to clear my head, maybe its because I'm easily irritable right now, all I know is there's a chance I may want to be left alone. Afterall, it'll pass, just like everything else, right?

And all I can do is keep my fingers crossed...

2008-06-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

Alright, overall, today was just a bad day. I woke up with my front yard flooded and I had to dig, I got woken up at 7 in the morning by a phone call, volleyball just sucked, and now I am sick and frustrated, but I haven't even mentioned the worst part of today...

Today, my band went and recorded in the studio, and while we were listening to a song we had just recorded, I turned around to look at our bass player, one of my best friends, and he was sitting on a stool, leaning back with his head tilted in the air and his mouth wide open. He's a weird, random guy, so I didn't think anything of it and kept watching him. What happened next frightened me. He then started to tilt sideways, and then collapsed out of his stool, hit his face on the side of a huge amp, and fell between two speakers. His eyes were wide open, shaking, and his body was going into a seizure. His skin color immediately went to a ghostly white. He has had a history of passing out and going into seizures, but it only happened a few times, and they were months ago. Suddenly, when it was the last thing we all expected, the seizures came back.

I had never been in such a situation, so all I could do was scream his name, hoping he'd snap out of it. Besides that, all I was doing was watching my best friend shake uncontrollably on the ground. I hate the feeling of being useless, not knowing what to do or how to take control, but this was by far the worst time ever to feel useless.

He snapped out of it less than a minute than it had started, and when he came to, said it just felt as if he had woken up from sleep. He made it home safely, and had already had a scheduled appointment with the doctor tomorrow. However, he's been going to the doctor for these incidents for months and they still can't find out what's causing him to pass out and go into seizures. The only info we have is that it happens every time he has deja vu...Well, he's one of my best friends, he knows if I could heal him, I would. Unfortunately, for now, all I can do is keep my fingers crossed for him. If any of you know who I am talking about, or just feel for him in any way possible, I invite you to cross your fingers with me.

Silence is Poison

2008-06-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

So there are certain nights where, on the drive to or from somewhere, I just won't be in the mood to listen to music. If anyone knows me, they know I love music, but as weird as it may seem, these moods do happen. Unfortunately, these moods are usually a bad thing, and in this silence on the drive, reality slaps me in the face.

This silence is ideal for haunting thoughts, wondering about the "what ifs" and "what could have beens", realizing the things I once had and the things that are now just out of reach. One of my most feared thoughts is the thought of being alone. This thought eagerly waits in the back of my mind and waits for the most opportune moment...the silence on a drive home. As obvious as it sounds, you don't really know how much you hate the feeling of being alone until you really are. I guess its a feeling I feel every night, but sleep seems to be the only relief I can get nowadays, especially since everything is starting to feel like "work".

Silence, combined with the glow of on-coming headlights from the freeway next door and the sound of the wind whistling by my car, can seem to put me in a trance. A trance is the only way I can explain the mood swings I have when dark comes. Sleep seems to be the snapping of the fingers, for when I wake up, I'm back to my old self again. But what if waking up was what was putting me in a trance, and night IS the snapping of the fingers, or rather the cold slap in the face? Than which of my expressions would be deceiving, the look of being content or the look of being lost, confused, and stressed? Or better yet, when will I find out? Do I even want to, or care anymore, or shall I just keep going and see what each day brings me?

Maybe it won't be morning or night that will snap me out of it, but I guess anything could happen at this point. I just wish everything didn't seem so out of reach. It's like when you're a toddler, and you're too small to reach what you want, so unless someone else is there to give it to you, you're screwed. I'm toddler's height for now, but I still got some growing to do, and although this silence that follows me home may be discouraging, I know that soon enough everything will be in reach.