Arbuckle in the later hours...

So last night, there was a standoff between a redneck who had a hostage and the cops were trying to negotiate with him at gun point...right in front of my house. I heard voices at 3 in the morning and thought I was going crazy, then I looked outside and got a phone call from my friend saying be careful. A couple weeks ago, there were shootings in College City, an even smaller town 3 miles away. Stores are getting robbed, shootings are occurring, the crime rate is going up in this area. Looks like the confinement the people feel in this area is finally taking its toll, and the people are not only getting sick of being here, but getting sick of each other.

This story's old, but it goes on and on until we disappear

Yesterday was the 21st of July. On that day, two years ago, I lost a dear friend. A car accident took Lauren Schaad's life, and the world of anyone who knew her hasn't been the same since. Time somehow heals pains we think will never fade. Our friends can pull us through even the darkest of times. Somehow, someway, we as humans manage this roller coaster we call life. However, death never gets better. It never heals, it never goes away, and some of us never get over it. Something this bad, this permanent, haunts me. As if waking up from a dream to one that was worse than the previous dream you had. I don't know how to explain the feeling I got today, but its the same way I feel when a gust of wind blows while I'm staring at Lauren's headstone, or when I'm driving on County Line Road and I see Lauren's crash site in my rear view mirror. Its a reminder, that all the problems I have are suddenly not as bad as I thought they were, that this is one issue I'll have to accept sooner or later.
However, thanks to the voice inside my head, I had an epiphany that may make me more ok than I ever thought I could be. Lauren has come to me in many dreams, I think about her everyday, and I make it known that I have not forgotten about her. She's still in my heart, almost as if she's still by my side. As long as I keep Lauren within my heart, Lauren will never die.

Listen to the voice inside your head...

So the passed week has totally been tough. Certain things I just couldn't get off my mind, I was fighting with people, it was to the point to where I'd lay in bed at night and a random flashback would appear and I'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach and be wide awake once again. I thought it was going to take forever for me to feel ok.
However, I have felt the same many times in my life, and I knew all it would take is one thing to happen. The problem is I never know what that thing is, but when it comes, I know it, and suddenly, everything seems ok.
This time, it wasn't just one thing, it was a lot of things, it was a lot of people who helped me out of this funk. I was really sad because of problems with a couple of people, but my friends helped me realized that there are a ton more who are still right by my side. Even though some people may come and go, the best of ones have never left my side, and still continue to be there for me through thick and thin. This slow realization was what really helped me, and even though nothing is solved, I feel like everything is gonna be ok.
There is one person I feel the need to thank. I call her the voice inside my head, I also kinda named my blog after her haha. Its a running joke we have because she's the person I go to when I mostly need help with decisions, and that I should listen to her more often (haha its actually the truth). Anyways, there have been a few times where I wanted to cave in to my situation and she pulled me back up to my feet. I have all my friends that I hang out with everyday, talk to all the time, my best friends, but this girl talks to me when I'm online late at night, and does an amazing job at making me feel like I'm not alone, which is sometimes what I really need...to feel like I'm not alone. She's honest, definitely trustworthy, and a whole lot of fun to talk to. She has been an amazing addition to my life, and I hope everyone has someone like her. I'm not saying my other friends aren't worthy of a blog entry, but I just wanted to do this to let her know that she is definitely up there with the people I care about most, and to thank her for these amazing few months of friendship we've shared so far. So, thank you to the voice inside my head, this one's for you.

Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share

So the last week has really been a ton of fun. I've been spending time with the people I love, spending time with people I hardly see, and even meeting new people along the way. However, my empty wallet is a constant reminder that I need a job (as if my friends and family weren't enough), and my pessimistic approach towards this upcoming semester reminds me of my unsure future. As much fun as I'm having, I feel like my life is slowly going to waste. I do need a job, but the 30 minute drive to and from the town I'm gonna have to work in is a tad discouraging, so I'm being picky in finding a job, but losing money at the same time. And my motivation for school is almost entirely depleted. Without knowing exactly what I wanna do, its putting my future on hold. Unfortunately, you can't exactly do that, because tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not. I really want to do something with music or photography, but have no idea about how to pursue either. Still have my fingers crossed for rock star...

And somehow, I've become extremely talented in making the people I care about angry, and there's still quite a few people I miss. However, the fact that it is 3:21 AM has led me to my plan for "tonight"...sleep on it.