Silence is Poison

So there are certain nights where, on the drive to or from somewhere, I just won't be in the mood to listen to music. If anyone knows me, they know I love music, but as weird as it may seem, these moods do happen. Unfortunately, these moods are usually a bad thing, and in this silence on the drive, reality slaps me in the face.

This silence is ideal for haunting thoughts, wondering about the "what ifs" and "what could have beens", realizing the things I once had and the things that are now just out of reach. One of my most feared thoughts is the thought of being alone. This thought eagerly waits in the back of my mind and waits for the most opportune moment...the silence on a drive home. As obvious as it sounds, you don't really know how much you hate the feeling of being alone until you really are. I guess its a feeling I feel every night, but sleep seems to be the only relief I can get nowadays, especially since everything is starting to feel like "work".

Silence, combined with the glow of on-coming headlights from the freeway next door and the sound of the wind whistling by my car, can seem to put me in a trance. A trance is the only way I can explain the mood swings I have when dark comes. Sleep seems to be the snapping of the fingers, for when I wake up, I'm back to my old self again. But what if waking up was what was putting me in a trance, and night IS the snapping of the fingers, or rather the cold slap in the face? Than which of my expressions would be deceiving, the look of being content or the look of being lost, confused, and stressed? Or better yet, when will I find out? Do I even want to, or care anymore, or shall I just keep going and see what each day brings me?

Maybe it won't be morning or night that will snap me out of it, but I guess anything could happen at this point. I just wish everything didn't seem so out of reach. It's like when you're a toddler, and you're too small to reach what you want, so unless someone else is there to give it to you, you're screwed. I'm toddler's height for now, but I still got some growing to do, and although this silence that follows me home may be discouraging, I know that soon enough everything will be in reach.