Forgiveness...my ass

Scratch the last blog I wrote.

Remembered why I don't forgive people.

Forgiveness

This is a feeling I hope stays for awhile.

Today, I watched an episode of My Name is Earl that my parents had recorded. The episode was about Earl and Randy's mom having an affair with their neighbor when they were younger. After all those years, Earl convinced his mom to tell his dad, who then freaked out. After seeking revenge the entire episode, his dad finally broke down and cried. Earl took his dad back home, who then forgave the person who once cheated on him, and everything was back to how it should be. Earl then explained the power of forgiveness, and how good it feels to just be able to forgive someone, and the episode ended.
After watching this episode, it made me realize that perhaps this is what I need. I have been holding grudges for weeks, for months, some for years. As much as I want to tell those people that I forgive them, is it worth it? What's forgiveness if those people now have a second chance of hurting me? Or is that what forgiveness is all about, having the power to tell someone things are okay when you yourself are scared that there are still chances that everything might not be okay in the future? For some reason, I haven't felt this clear in a very long time. Some may think that forgiving people can be a mistake especially if they've made mistakes more than once, but haven't we been taught that people make mistakes? I think I'm finally willing to let things go, to give some people second chances and to always give a first chance to newcomers.

Its Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I've posted a blog, so here's an update in short:

I miss someone who completely cut me off so their boyfriend won't get mad and we'll probably never talk again.
I miss someone who hurt me a ton in the past, and its still not fading like I'd hope.
Gained a few new friends, but have realized the potency of a few I really care about.
Still single.
The band is doing amazing. Got a few shows at Club Retro, got paid, got an album cover, and gonna finish recording with Brando in the near future.


I hate missing people, that will always be my downfall. There are those who I can talk to about it, but that may make things a bit interesting. However there are a few that I can't, and will miss them for a long, long time.

End of Summer

What a bitter sweet summer it was. Spent the first half stressed, trying to fix everything, and spent the second half having too much fun with the people I care about most. I must thank those who made my summer worth while, it was rough in the beginning, but totally got better. School starts tomorrow, I shall keep my fingers crossed for a good semester, I sure as hell need one.

Arbuckle in the later hours...

So last night, there was a standoff between a redneck who had a hostage and the cops were trying to negotiate with him at gun point...right in front of my house. I heard voices at 3 in the morning and thought I was going crazy, then I looked outside and got a phone call from my friend saying be careful. A couple weeks ago, there were shootings in College City, an even smaller town 3 miles away. Stores are getting robbed, shootings are occurring, the crime rate is going up in this area. Looks like the confinement the people feel in this area is finally taking its toll, and the people are not only getting sick of being here, but getting sick of each other.

This story's old, but it goes on and on until we disappear

Yesterday was the 21st of July. On that day, two years ago, I lost a dear friend. A car accident took Lauren Schaad's life, and the world of anyone who knew her hasn't been the same since. Time somehow heals pains we think will never fade. Our friends can pull us through even the darkest of times. Somehow, someway, we as humans manage this roller coaster we call life. However, death never gets better. It never heals, it never goes away, and some of us never get over it. Something this bad, this permanent, haunts me. As if waking up from a dream to one that was worse than the previous dream you had. I don't know how to explain the feeling I got today, but its the same way I feel when a gust of wind blows while I'm staring at Lauren's headstone, or when I'm driving on County Line Road and I see Lauren's crash site in my rear view mirror. Its a reminder, that all the problems I have are suddenly not as bad as I thought they were, that this is one issue I'll have to accept sooner or later.
However, thanks to the voice inside my head, I had an epiphany that may make me more ok than I ever thought I could be. Lauren has come to me in many dreams, I think about her everyday, and I make it known that I have not forgotten about her. She's still in my heart, almost as if she's still by my side. As long as I keep Lauren within my heart, Lauren will never die.

Listen to the voice inside your head...

So the passed week has totally been tough. Certain things I just couldn't get off my mind, I was fighting with people, it was to the point to where I'd lay in bed at night and a random flashback would appear and I'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach and be wide awake once again. I thought it was going to take forever for me to feel ok.
However, I have felt the same many times in my life, and I knew all it would take is one thing to happen. The problem is I never know what that thing is, but when it comes, I know it, and suddenly, everything seems ok.
This time, it wasn't just one thing, it was a lot of things, it was a lot of people who helped me out of this funk. I was really sad because of problems with a couple of people, but my friends helped me realized that there are a ton more who are still right by my side. Even though some people may come and go, the best of ones have never left my side, and still continue to be there for me through thick and thin. This slow realization was what really helped me, and even though nothing is solved, I feel like everything is gonna be ok.
There is one person I feel the need to thank. I call her the voice inside my head, I also kinda named my blog after her haha. Its a running joke we have because she's the person I go to when I mostly need help with decisions, and that I should listen to her more often (haha its actually the truth). Anyways, there have been a few times where I wanted to cave in to my situation and she pulled me back up to my feet. I have all my friends that I hang out with everyday, talk to all the time, my best friends, but this girl talks to me when I'm online late at night, and does an amazing job at making me feel like I'm not alone, which is sometimes what I really need...to feel like I'm not alone. She's honest, definitely trustworthy, and a whole lot of fun to talk to. She has been an amazing addition to my life, and I hope everyone has someone like her. I'm not saying my other friends aren't worthy of a blog entry, but I just wanted to do this to let her know that she is definitely up there with the people I care about most, and to thank her for these amazing few months of friendship we've shared so far. So, thank you to the voice inside my head, this one's for you.